Coming clean

When Darius goes to bed at night I can usually hear him sawing logs within 5 minutes. He says he can pass out that quickly because he has a clear conscious, and I believe him. I, however, do not. As tired as I am after a long day, I can sometimes lay in bed for close to an hour before I finally fall sleep. I literally cannot shut off my head from thinking. What do I think about? All the things I'm ashamed to admit about myself.

I've been debating whether or not to put this out there for people to see, but I think if it's in writing then I'm forced to acknowledge that I'm struggling right now and that it's not healthy to mask it anymore. I'll caution you now that this is a very personal post, and you likely won't see me in the same light after reading it. Feel free to skip it and come back another day when I have something a little more upbeat to offer.

I don't believe in comparing myself to others. I think it's unhealthy. However, I do compare myself to myself, if that makes any sense. I know perfectly well what I'm capable of and when I'm putting my best foot forward. For awhile now I've been generally sucking all around. I'm pretty good at faking it and pretending I have it all together. I have to stop doing that. I don't have it together. I need to step it up and be more accountable for the choices I make each day. I need to be me. No mask. No faking it. I guess the first step is admitting my faults, and then maybe I can move forward from there.

Okay, so this is where it gets hard. I need to get this monkey off my back and to do so I just need to lay it all out there.

I'm a lousy mom. I really feel that. There are some of you that tell me that "You're amazing. I don't know how you do it." As much as I love you all, every time I hear that it's like a silent punch in the stomach. I know what kind of mom I can be, and I'm a long way off from her right now.

The honest truth is that I wasn't ready to be a mom when I got pregnant. I still don't feel ready. I cried to Darius when I found out. Then there was the tremendous guilt I felt after the news came that we were having twins. I certainly didn't feel then, or now, deserving of the 2 beautiful blessings that my boys are.

It angers, saddens, and frustrates me when I replay a day over in my mind while trying to sleep and thinking of all the ways I let my boys down over the course of the day. I can't fix those days, and lately there have been too many of them. My faults are that I turn the TV on way too much during the day. I lose my patience and yell when all they want sometimes is my help or attention. I procrastinate in getting my school work done when I should, and I end up turning my back on them during the day while I work on the computer. I don't sing and dance with them enough. I don't laugh with them enough. I don't teach them enough. I don't cook the good kinds of meals for them that I should. I don't brush their teeth everyday. I don't take them outside enough to play. I don't find enough ways to involve them in the daily things that I do.

It literally makes me sick when I think about all the opportunities I've wasted to love them better each day, all the extra smiles I could have shared with them that I didn't, all the extra tears I could have prevented. I'm not being too hard on myself. I know what I'm capable of and it's so much more than what I'm doing. I seriously feel like a monster sometimes. It's the lowest and most awful feeling, and the guilt is suffocating.

There are no acceptable excuses for not trying my best each day. Life happens, but whatever that involves, the most important part of it is the human factor. I want to do better. I want to give my children the very best that's in me so that they can be their very best.

Ruth: It starts now. Not in a couple of days or weeks or a month from now after school is finished. Life is never going to be easy. There will always be challenges, but that doesn't mean life can't be fun. You're not perfect, it's okay. Take each day and make it the best you can. There is no guarantee you'll get another tomorrow. Share every bit of yourself with Ben, Zach, and Darius and love them your very best. Laugh, dance, sing, and quit worrying about the small stuff. Remember how you felt when you wrote this and keep moving forward. You're monkey isn't cute like George, keep it off your back.

My super troopers.

For weeks now the weather has been downright depressing. I may be wrong, but I think the last semi-decent break in the weather we had was the evening of Halloween. Since then we've had grey skies, rain, and snow (briefly). This morning I could finally see gaps of blue through the clouds. It was almost enough to make me cry in relief. I knew come hell or highwater we were going to get out and spend a good chunk of the day outside.

I've just recently started taking the boys for walks without the use of a stroller. They're getting a lot better at following directions, and I don't find myself panicking as much when they're not somewhat confined. I'm by no means a heli-mom, but with 2-year-olds times 2 I'm still somewhat selective as to what I'll attempt with them on my own. Today I totally left my comfort zone, and instead of just a walk we went for a hike on Haystack Trail.

Haystack is about 20 miles east of Cordova along the Copper River Delta. It's a fairly easy in-out trail through a mossy forest with net-covered boardwalks and stairs. The hike in is just under a mile with an elevation gain of about 150 feet and stops at an overlook at the edge of a high cliff. It's a great little hike, but I had no idea how the boys would fair. I was prepared to go as far they could make it.

They enjoyed the boardwalks and stairs, although some of them were hard for them to climb with their little legs. Unfortunately the whole trail isn't covered with boardwalks, and of course the areas that weren't were ginormous puddles, deep mucky mud, or gnarly tree roots. Halfway up the trail they were soaked and muddy up to their knees bud didn't care one bit. They wanted to stomp through every puddle, loved looking up at the tall trees, and frequently called out for ghosts and monsters.

I was so proud of them for their efforts. We made it all the way to the overlook and stopped for a little lunch break. It was quite a bit cooler at the overlook, and they were happy to get underway again. They even let me put their mittens and hats on them. That's saying a lot. The hike out was pretty good, and there were only a couple of times I had to give them each a turn on my shoulders.

Seeing the car at the trailhead as we descended the final part of the trail was a relief. I thought for sure the boys' feet would be soaking wet and cold, but even after all the puddles of water and mud, they were surprisingly dry. After a change into dry clothes, we headed home and the boys promptly fell asleep. I drove back to town with a big smile and a great feeling of satisfaction. It always feels good to be able to do something I love that the boys enjoy too. It breaks me heart just a little the older they get, but at the same time it's great to know that they're getting old enough to take on some bigger adventures.

If the grey skies and rain return tomorrow, it's okay. Today was good and we'll get by okay until our next break. 

View from the overlook. Pictures don't quite do it justice.

All things Ben

Like most other parents out there, I think my kids are pretty awesome. I wanted to take some time and write down the things about Ben and his personality that I love best right now. He's not always hyper and screechy, and I don't want to look back on him now at this age with those at the forefront.

Ben is super independent. I have no idea where he could possibly get that from. :) He's content to play on his own a good part of the day. The boys' train table is setup in their room, and lately Ben has really been into playing with it. I finally had to bring the trains and tracks downstairs so that I could see him more during the day. He doesn't ask for help much from me, but when he does it's usually with a train track in his hand.

Ben is still my little cleaner-upper and organizer. He loves pulling up a chair to the sink to 'help' me with dishes. He cleans up his toys without me asking, and just recently he has started to throw away dirty diapers for me. I never asked him, he just started doing it the other day. It was adorable.

Today I had a basket of laundry on the floor in the living room to be folded. I should have known better than to leave it out, and I wasn't surprised to find clothes strewn all over the floor. I didn't pick them up right away and continued making lunch. Minutes later I found all the clothes back in the basket, not to mention the mountain of cars mixed in with the laundry had also been put away. I love that Ben does those things on his own without a word from me.

Ben's other great loves right now aside from trains and cleaning include coloring, jumping on the couch and bed, Mr. Potato Head, anything to do with Buzz Lightyear, stories read to him, chasing and wrestling Zach, building with blocks, lining up toys, bath time, eating fruit (especially strawberries), and toast. Ben likes to pick out all the dried strawberries out of my Special K, and if I would let him, he would eat an entire carton of strawberries in one sitting. Then there's toast. If you're making toast, make at least 2 extra slices for Ben, or you'll be giving up your own. No joke, toast is to Ben like cookies are to Cookie Monster.

Ben is not a super affectionate kid. He'll squirm away from you if you try to force hugs or cuddles out of him. It has to be his idea to show you the love. When he does it's pretty special. He gives these great bear hugs and the softest and sweetest kisses ever. They absolutely melt me.

I love this kid. Very much.

Oh, and yes, we do have clothes for Ben to wear. He just won't leave them on anymore!

Knock Knock

The sound of Ben & Zach's soft little knocks on doors tonight was as adorable as their Trick or Treat calls. Tonight was their first time Trick or Treating, and they had so much fun. They walked up steep hills, steep staircases, and through lots of puddles in their seek for treats. We lucked out and the weather was actually very nice tonight. We enjoyed our walk around town, and the boys got the hang of things pretty quick. Towards the end of the night we heard Ben say "door" whenever he wanted to stop at a house. Zach loved seeing the other kids' costumes and got extra excited about monsters and robots.

Zach loves getting dressed up in costumes, but it's all we can do to get a costume on Ben. We didn't think he would cooperate tonight, but he surprised us and wore a spider costume without much complaining. The robot costume was outshined as soon as the spider costume arrived. Zach still loves robots (even took M-O with him Trick or Treating) but the past few days has been all about spiders. I'm actually surprised that Zach picked monster Mike to wear out tonight.

The boys got a little crazy before we rolled out....

Happy Halloween!

Hello Sunshine

We've had several weeks of rain and grey skies. You don't realize how much you miss the sun until the weather clears and sunshine comes pouring through the windows.

It's so much more enjoyable getting the boys out when the weather is nice. We hit the sand park this afternoon, and I made the mistake of finding a little dinosaur in the sand. The boys ended up fighting over possession of it until we left.

Later on before bedtime Zach surprised us with his first official pee in the potty. I'd go into the details, but I don't want him looking back on this 1o years from now all embarrassed. Let's just say it was as adorable as peeing can possibly get. He was very pleased with himself. I won't hold my breath, but maybe we'll be getting him out of diapers sooner than we thought.