For the Good and Bad

I'm thankful for a lot of things. No more so today than any other day, but the spotlight does seem to favor today for giving thanks, so here are some of the things on my list.

I'm thankful for the small things that make my life more comfortable every day. The very basics that some go without. I'm happy for a roof over my head, a good job for Darius that allows me to stay home with our kids and puts food on the table. I'm thankful we have supportive families and friends that love us for who we are. I'm especially thankful for a husband and children that love me despite my many flaws, for the joy they bring me, for their health, for everyday I have with them.

Then there are the less than desirable things that have happened in the past. I'm thankful for all the not-so-great stuff too. I think back to some of the low points in my life and how because of them I was forced to make decisions that took me in unexpected and different directions. It's funny how life plays out. I think back on the months leading up to when I first met Darius. It was like a domino effect. The slightest change and my life would be completely different right now. I wouldn't want that. What I have makes me very happy, very grateful.

 And then there's you! Chances are if you read the entries I post, it's likely you have had some sort of influence at some point in either my or Darius' life. You have somehow played a part and helped us reach the very point we're at now. Even if you haven't, I'm still grateful for you for coming here and wanting to hear about what we're up to and who we are. Thanks for taking part.

I'm thankful for you.

A Mighty Fine Man

I just spent most of the day at the library doing school work. I got up once during a 6-hour period (terrible I know). I came home with aching fingers, frozen toes, buggy eyes, a sleeping butt, and a very hungry belly. I couldn't even go potty while I was there...no water in the building.

What do I find when I get home? A clean home, dinner in the works, laundry in the wash, happy children, and a tray of fresh, hot.....

SAUSAGE BALLS coming out of the oven. Don't let their appearance deceive you. This is some seriously good eating! I've probably already had half a dozen of them. It's so hard to stop!

I have an awesome hubby. He handles up on things and makes everything better.

Have a I told you how much I love you today, Darius?

All about Zach

Zach is my sidekick. I literally have to avoid knocking him over. You might say he's a bit of a mama's boy right now. If I leave a room or go upstairs and he doesn't approve, he yells "Wait!" At night when he wakes up he'll have nothing to do with Darius. He'll pathetically sob and carry on as if the world is ending. As soon as I walk through the door a switch flips and it's "Hi Mama," and he's fine again. Little stinker.

Zach is a very passionate boy. When he loves something he's all in. From the top of his head to the tips of his wacky little toenails. His expressions are priceless, and I love how he sticks his tongue out when he's concentrating hard on something. He's very affectionate and is usually pretty quick to share hugs and kisses.

Since Halloween and the re-introduction of the Buzz and Woody towels, Zach has been all about dressing up. I think just about everyday since Halloween he's worn his spider costume. It's cute when he looks for his shoes and heads for the door expecting to go Trick-or-Treating again. He's also been on the lookout now for ghosts and monsters. When he hears our neighbors outside talking in our shared entryway, he looks at me with a very nervous look and tells me the voices are ghosts and that he's scared. If there are unexplained sounds he can't see, it must be ghosts or monsters.

Zach's favorite is still robots. There's the 1-legged Rodney and M-O. We've had to repair M-O several times now, and during one of it's procedures I thought I'd operate on Rodney too and give him his leg back. No good. Zach didn't want Rodney to be whole again and deliberately yanked off his leg again.

Zach also loves playing with trains, trucks, airplanes, Mr. Potato Head, and stuffed animals. He's also really into spiders now. He's very generous and shares his food and drink with all toys in general. He likes to sleep with a buddy, and I have to give kisses and say goodnight to his buddy before him.

Zach's favorite meal lately is pancakes. He asks for them everyday and would eat them at every meal if I let him. He also loves corn, but for some reason he won't always eat it unless it's on the cob. Last night he had 5 ears lined up and alternated bites between cobs, eating them all. Those were some fun diapers to change today.

Zach is very considerate. He's learned the basics of sharing and is very clever when trying to get what he wants from Ben by attempting trades. It won't always work, but he does his best to sell it to Ben anyway. What's especially sweet is when I see Zach sharing with his brother and bringing him things to play with without any prompting.

My little spider-robot-loving sidekick. I love him.

Coming clean

When Darius goes to bed at night I can usually hear him sawing logs within 5 minutes. He says he can pass out that quickly because he has a clear conscious, and I believe him. I, however, do not. As tired as I am after a long day, I can sometimes lay in bed for close to an hour before I finally fall sleep. I literally cannot shut off my head from thinking. What do I think about? All the things I'm ashamed to admit about myself.

I've been debating whether or not to put this out there for people to see, but I think if it's in writing then I'm forced to acknowledge that I'm struggling right now and that it's not healthy to mask it anymore. I'll caution you now that this is a very personal post, and you likely won't see me in the same light after reading it. Feel free to skip it and come back another day when I have something a little more upbeat to offer.

I don't believe in comparing myself to others. I think it's unhealthy. However, I do compare myself to myself, if that makes any sense. I know perfectly well what I'm capable of and when I'm putting my best foot forward. For awhile now I've been generally sucking all around. I'm pretty good at faking it and pretending I have it all together. I have to stop doing that. I don't have it together. I need to step it up and be more accountable for the choices I make each day. I need to be me. No mask. No faking it. I guess the first step is admitting my faults, and then maybe I can move forward from there.

Okay, so this is where it gets hard. I need to get this monkey off my back and to do so I just need to lay it all out there.

I'm a lousy mom. I really feel that. There are some of you that tell me that "You're amazing. I don't know how you do it." As much as I love you all, every time I hear that it's like a silent punch in the stomach. I know what kind of mom I can be, and I'm a long way off from her right now.

The honest truth is that I wasn't ready to be a mom when I got pregnant. I still don't feel ready. I cried to Darius when I found out. Then there was the tremendous guilt I felt after the news came that we were having twins. I certainly didn't feel then, or now, deserving of the 2 beautiful blessings that my boys are.

It angers, saddens, and frustrates me when I replay a day over in my mind while trying to sleep and thinking of all the ways I let my boys down over the course of the day. I can't fix those days, and lately there have been too many of them. My faults are that I turn the TV on way too much during the day. I lose my patience and yell when all they want sometimes is my help or attention. I procrastinate in getting my school work done when I should, and I end up turning my back on them during the day while I work on the computer. I don't sing and dance with them enough. I don't laugh with them enough. I don't teach them enough. I don't cook the good kinds of meals for them that I should. I don't brush their teeth everyday. I don't take them outside enough to play. I don't find enough ways to involve them in the daily things that I do.

It literally makes me sick when I think about all the opportunities I've wasted to love them better each day, all the extra smiles I could have shared with them that I didn't, all the extra tears I could have prevented. I'm not being too hard on myself. I know what I'm capable of and it's so much more than what I'm doing. I seriously feel like a monster sometimes. It's the lowest and most awful feeling, and the guilt is suffocating.

There are no acceptable excuses for not trying my best each day. Life happens, but whatever that involves, the most important part of it is the human factor. I want to do better. I want to give my children the very best that's in me so that they can be their very best.

Ruth: It starts now. Not in a couple of days or weeks or a month from now after school is finished. Life is never going to be easy. There will always be challenges, but that doesn't mean life can't be fun. You're not perfect, it's okay. Take each day and make it the best you can. There is no guarantee you'll get another tomorrow. Share every bit of yourself with Ben, Zach, and Darius and love them your very best. Laugh, dance, sing, and quit worrying about the small stuff. Remember how you felt when you wrote this and keep moving forward. You're monkey isn't cute like George, keep it off your back.

My super troopers.

For weeks now the weather has been downright depressing. I may be wrong, but I think the last semi-decent break in the weather we had was the evening of Halloween. Since then we've had grey skies, rain, and snow (briefly). This morning I could finally see gaps of blue through the clouds. It was almost enough to make me cry in relief. I knew come hell or highwater we were going to get out and spend a good chunk of the day outside.

I've just recently started taking the boys for walks without the use of a stroller. They're getting a lot better at following directions, and I don't find myself panicking as much when they're not somewhat confined. I'm by no means a heli-mom, but with 2-year-olds times 2 I'm still somewhat selective as to what I'll attempt with them on my own. Today I totally left my comfort zone, and instead of just a walk we went for a hike on Haystack Trail.

Haystack is about 20 miles east of Cordova along the Copper River Delta. It's a fairly easy in-out trail through a mossy forest with net-covered boardwalks and stairs. The hike in is just under a mile with an elevation gain of about 150 feet and stops at an overlook at the edge of a high cliff. It's a great little hike, but I had no idea how the boys would fair. I was prepared to go as far they could make it.

They enjoyed the boardwalks and stairs, although some of them were hard for them to climb with their little legs. Unfortunately the whole trail isn't covered with boardwalks, and of course the areas that weren't were ginormous puddles, deep mucky mud, or gnarly tree roots. Halfway up the trail they were soaked and muddy up to their knees bud didn't care one bit. They wanted to stomp through every puddle, loved looking up at the tall trees, and frequently called out for ghosts and monsters.

I was so proud of them for their efforts. We made it all the way to the overlook and stopped for a little lunch break. It was quite a bit cooler at the overlook, and they were happy to get underway again. They even let me put their mittens and hats on them. That's saying a lot. The hike out was pretty good, and there were only a couple of times I had to give them each a turn on my shoulders.

Seeing the car at the trailhead as we descended the final part of the trail was a relief. I thought for sure the boys' feet would be soaking wet and cold, but even after all the puddles of water and mud, they were surprisingly dry. After a change into dry clothes, we headed home and the boys promptly fell asleep. I drove back to town with a big smile and a great feeling of satisfaction. It always feels good to be able to do something I love that the boys enjoy too. It breaks me heart just a little the older they get, but at the same time it's great to know that they're getting old enough to take on some bigger adventures.

If the grey skies and rain return tomorrow, it's okay. Today was good and we'll get by okay until our next break. 

View from the overlook. Pictures don't quite do it justice.